As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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