I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
