Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
