he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
