Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
