I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
