I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
