Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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