im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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