The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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