if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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