I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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