So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
