return my video game
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
