Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
