An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
