ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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