i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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