He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
