I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
don't judge my taste in strippers
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
