I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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