Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
