I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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