Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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