She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
