girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
