dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
