I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
