The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize