my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
