Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
