marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
