my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Randomize
