Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
