I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
