if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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