On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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