I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
