she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
