I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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