last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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