What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
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