Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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