I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
