is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
ttyl tear gas
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Two words: nipple clamps
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