Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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