Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
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