i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
