Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My penis needs a shock collar
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
