This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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