im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
