What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
