Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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