I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
